Never Look Back
by Farewell
Summary: remus' and sirius' thoughts before sirius is sent to azkaban. theres a zillion of them, i know. yes it was previously posted under a different name. R/R PLEASE!!!! *begs*
1. Remus

A/N: nothing belongs to me, all goes to the wonderful JKR. WARNING: SLASH remus/sirius. nothing graphic. please don't flame. PWP when sirius goes to azkaban. there's a million out there i know.  
  
And this was originally posted under my other pen name bry silver. But that account was hacked too many times, so i got a new one.  
  
Never Look Back  
  
I thought you loved me, Padfoot. I thought we would spend our lives together. Now you've betrayed them; betrayed me. Sirius, how could you?  
  
Did you?  
  
Oh, I don't know anymore. Everyone says you did; my mind knows you did. My heart doesn't believe it. Can't believe it.  
  
I once thought you loved me, Padfoot. But you couldn't have, not and betrayed James and Lily. Not and still looked me in the eye.  
  
I know you can't lie to me- but you must have. Has it been an act all these years? Was it just an act?  
  
I stand here now, outside the magical cell they've got you in. You're asleep- Thank God. I don't think I can handle looking into your eyes, knowing what you did.  
  
I listened to you're beautiful lips spill out denials- I don't know what to believe anymore.  
  
Dumbledore tried to make me leave- he didn't want me to see you.  
  
You shift in your sleep; mouth parted, and open your eyes.  
  
I tense, ready to dodge out of sight so you won't see me- but you're not really awake. I see your lips move:  
  
"Remy…" I can tell you're saying my name- the one you gave me, which you only use at home.  
  
Our home- even before all this happened, it hadn't been a home for a long time; just a house.  
  
You drew away from me. Not physically- not at first. But I knew that you were- distant.  
  
I didn't know why, or what to do. I tried to talk to you, you just dismissed it. "It's only in your pretty little head, Moony. Don't be silly." You'd kiss my forehead, and smile that smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes and be gone.  
  
Later, I'd touch you, and you'd flinch away. That had hurt the most; people had done it all my life, now you were too. Why? I'd curl up to you in the dark, seeking solace in your arms, and you'd turn away- "Not now Moony, I'm tired."  
  
It's been months since we made love. I missed it- not just the sex, but your touch as well. I needed you- I still do.  
  
Why did you do it, Sirius? Why? James was your best friend! And Harry- your godson, you adored him.  
  
What did Voldemort offer you? It must have been something good, but for the life of me I can't think of what. Power? You didn't crave that.  
  
Or did you?  
  
I don't really know you, do I? If I did, I would have known you betrayed us.  
  
…Wouldn't I?  
  
Oh, I'm so full of doubts!  
  
My heart knows you could never have hurt them, but my mind tells me otherwise. God, if only I knew!  
  
I can feel the tears trip down my face, and I angrily push them away. I've cried enough tears.  
  
In the back of my mind I hear the door open, and Albus Dumbledore steps into the room.  
  
"Remus," he says softly, kindly. "I think you should go home and rest."  
  
"I can't believe he killed them," my voice is rough and scratchy, and breaks on 'killed'.  
  
The old man doesn't say anything, but puts his arm around me. "It is alright to cry, Remus. We have all lost a great deal recently."  
  
I shrug out of his embrace.  
  
"No. I've cried enough."  
  
Padfoot, I hope you know that I love you, no matter what. And I hate you for it.  
  
I walk out the door, back straight, and I don't look back. Never look back.  
  
Sirius taught me that. 


	2. Sirius

Never Look Back  
  
Sirius Black sat up in the bed after Dumbledore left. He didn't want to see the disappointment in his old eyes.  
  
Cowardly? Oh, yes.  
  
It was his cowardice that kept him feigning sleep when he sensed Remus in the room.  
  
He had always known it when his lover was near.  
  
//Oh Moony, I'm sorry.//  
  
A wave of cold washed over him- Dementors.  
  
He curled in a tight ball and wept: for James, Lily and Harry. For Remus. For himself.  
  
He heard the rattling breath of the creature before it entered the cell.  
  
"Time to go, Black." Crouch was watching him with a wicked glint in his eye.  
  
Sirius knew that protesting his innocence was futile. It hadn't helped before, it wouldn't help now.  
  
But he knew that Remus still loved him- Divine knowledge perhaps? His lover may not have spoken, but his words were clear as crystal.  
  
He didn't have forgiveness- yet. But he did have his love.  
  
It was enough.  
  
Sirius nodded wordlessly, and got to his feet.  
  
He pushed all of his memories of James, Lily, Harry and Remus to the trunk at the back of his mind and locked it tight.  
  
*I love you too, Remus,* he thought as he threw away the proverbial key.  
  
He took a deep breath and stepped into the Dementors clutches, head held high, prepared for Azkaban. Prepared for Hell.  
  
Never look back. Remus had taught him that. 


End file.
